Channeling Jesse Helms

This should give you a nice little giggle:

”The willingness to say all those crazy things is a rare, rare characteristic in this town, and you know what? It’s every bit as true now as it was then. We need a hundred more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.”

-Ted Cruz

Yes, he really said that.

Jesse Helms died five years ago.  Do you remember him? You're forgiven if you do not. He was a North Carolinian senator for thirty years.  But other than that, the only thing memorable about old Jesse is the fact that he was a racist demagogue of the worst order - a real mean spirited buffoon. As soon as he was in the ground he was quickly forgotten. In fact it had been quite some time since the old bastard even entered my mind until Ted Cruz mentioned him this week in a speech to the Heritage Foundation. It would seem that Jesse was a real inspiration to Ted. He says (or he claims - you need to take everything the Texas senator says with a ten pound bag of salt) that the very first political donation he ever made was ten dollars to a Jesse Helms campaign; this at a time when his allowance was fifty cents a week. How touching. Since Ted Cruz was born in 1970 we must assume that this political awakening must have taken place sometime in the eighties. Knowing the rates of inflation as I do, this begs the question: What the heck could one purchase with fifty cents by that time? He is either lying or Papa Cruz must be pretty tight with a dollar.  

One thing that fills me with inconsolable grief is that Jesse Helms did not live to see the inauguration of the current chief-executive. Barack Obama had not yet won the Democratic nomination by the time Jesse bought the farm on the fourth of July 2008. I imagine the very sight of a black guy taking the oath of office would have given Jesse a fatal case of spastic apoplexy. I can just picture the old son-of-a-bitch confronted with the vision of President Obama giving his inaugural address. There is Jesse curled up in a fetal position, banging his head against the floor,  gagging on his own vomit. That would have been a lovely thing to behold.

Carol Moseley Braun

Here's a little example of just what a class act Jesse Helms was: Carol Moseley Braun of Chicago served one term in the senate between the years 1993 and 1999. She was only the second African American in history ever elected to that body. One day she was riding up in the senate elevator with Helms and Orin Hatch. Jessie looked at Orin and said, "I'm gonna make this girl cry!" He then put his face up to her's and started singing "Dixie". The man was a walking, talking piece-of-shit.

To the day of his death, Jesse Helms was a proud, unabashed and unapologetic racist and segregationist. Although he has yet to make the admission, Ted Cruz must be one as well. Why else would he come right out and say what he did this week about the life and legacy of Senator Helms?

Decent people are trying to forget that a disgusting bigot like Jesse Helms ever desecrated the floors of our nation's capitol. His career as a legislator is not unlike the tenure of a priest who for four years was the pastor of the Catholic church in my home town. For the entire time he was there "Father Ed" was molesting teenage boys. People are trying to forget about him, too.

Teddy Boy

IT'S ALIVE!!!

Ted Cruz is another story. We just can't put him out of our minds. The people of Texas (being the people of Texas) were foolish enough to send this bloviating gasbag to Washington as their representative. We can't merely dismiss him out of hand. He's here legislating and agitating and he's not going away any time soon - which is fine 'n' dandy for my purposes. You see, for those of us who make our reputations by commenting on the train-wreck that American politics has become in the last thirty years, Ted Cruz is the gift that keeps giving and giving and giving; the guy is simply fantastic copy. When your vocation is to make observations regarding a bus full of clowns, people like Ted and his compatriots in lunacy make the job fairly easy. I'll be blunt with you: These things write themselves. Seriously. The unintentional comedy of these unintentional comedians makes one dread the day that they're gone forever - and that day will be here sooner than you think.

A lot is made of the notion that Ted is a smart gent - why, he graduated from Harvard for Pete's sake! Really? Some of the most reprehensible dingbats in American history were Harvard alumni. If there exists a more overrated institution of higher learning than Harvard I'd really like to know about it. I knew many people - a hell-of-a-lot smarter than Ted Cruz - when I attended Orange County Community College back in the seventies. Please.

It is now obvious that the Canadian-born Cruz wants to take his weird act nationwide. He's planning on throwing his tinfoil-hat into the ring. It will probably be at least another two years before it's official, but Teddy Boy is planning on becoming president on January 20, 2017.

Oh, thank you, fate.

This what I'm talking about when I speak of the gifts generously given by the unintentional comedians. The Cruz for Prez spectacle is almost three years away, which seems like a lifetime-and-a-half from this vantage point. This is something I'm so looking forward to that I can't even put the anticipation into words. The primaries themselves are going to be a riot of mirth and merriment. You thought 2012 was a hoot? OH, BROTHER! With Teddy Boy in the running, 2016 will make last year's contest (as funny as that one was) look like the scene from Gone With the Wind when Bonnie Blue Butler falls off the pony and dies. This is going to be beautiful! 

It will be particularly gratifying when "birtherism" comes back to haunt the Tea partiers who are just wild for their man Ted. As I mentioned before, unlike Barack Obama (who was born in the USA) Ted Cruz really is foreign-born. How will the right-wing crazies be able to rationalize his candidacy? They'll find a way, I'm sure. They always do. Have you ever noticed that? 

So let us here and now raise our glasses in a toast to Ted and Jesse, two political ships that never had the joy of passing each other in the American night. It's almost comforting to know that Cruz is on hand to pick up Helms' torch of idiocy and ignorance. Ted Cruz is the rightful, political heir of Jesse Helms. He is in politics to advance Jesse's cause. He's proud of that fact. It kinda makes you wonder, huh? It really does!

Somewhere, Jesse must be smiling wide. You can't blame him either. I wonder if they serve lollipops where he is?

Tom Degan
Goshen, NY

SUGGESTED VIEWING:

Here's Rachel Maddow's comment on Ted Cruz's hero worship of Jesse Helms. As is her habit, she's right on target:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0SiuSuSey0

I'm just crazy 'bout that gal.

SUGGESTED READING:

Here's a link to a piece I wrote four months ago on the subject of Ted Cruz:

http://www.tomdegan.blogspot.com/2013/05/president-cruz.html

Isn't life strange?

AFTERTHOUGHT:

Grace Oddo Degan 

Last October 14 I made mention on this site of the death of Jerry Degan, my late father's last surviving brother. A few days ago I received a phone call from my sister informing me of the passing of Grace, Jerry's beloved wife of sixty-two years.

Tell me the truth, family: Did you ever know another human being in your entire life who was more aptly named than Aunt Grace? She was the sweetest, loveliest person I think any of us ever knew. I'm gonna miss that infectious laugh - AND THAT SMILE??? - you could read at midnight by it. Grace Degan was ninety-one when she left us on September 6, 2013 - a pretty good run any way you slice it or dice it.

For every one that goes before me I fear it less and less. You do, too. C'mon, admit it!

They must be having one heck of a party on the other side.